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Jan. 18th, 2017

there are good days and bad days, and today or this week is not too good :(
sometimes u don't know what exactly is wrong - maybe nothing is wrong, or maybe it's so wrong it can't be right anymore.
but today i'm so tired - not physically i know, but mentally,... emotionally? the heart hurts.

maybe being outrightly disappointed and upset is bad, but i think what's worse than that is knowing that u may be disappointed and upset, yet not knowing whether you are justified to feel this way. the worst thing about being a bag of emotions, is that you constantly tell yourself, "u are jus overthinking", "it's jus you". all the wrongs become right and u become so uncomfortable, but u don't even know if it's cause u are overreacting, or if u rly can feel this way.

and that's when everythin seems ok on the surface, but deep down, there's this undescribable sadness u can't even find a reason for. cause u have let way too many things slide - things which don't sit well w u but u learn to accept, things which u thought should be done but compromise on cause u try to understand, things which u go the extra mile to do but are underwhelmingly underappreciated (but that should sit well w u - cause no one asked u to do it).

so emotionally and mentally drained... :(
(yet not knowing once again whether it's justified)

today, i feel like letting it all out. i feel like letting all these pent-up emotions flow.

but for now - lemme focus on what should be impt. lemme get tmrw over and done w, CSPT which is giving me so much stress sighs, filming on friday, rehab writeup due next tuesday, more studying to be done for eopt on week 8. and let PROS revision begin + emotional and mental torture at SGH..

so far, far away from where i wanna be. yet not doing anything about it cause i can barely stay awake beyond 12.

& here i go, this bag of emotions, tying up the string for the day and heading to bed.
Family Medicine: Polyclinic

Today was our last day at BB polyclinic :(  It has been a really good 2 weeks here (actly only 6 days to be exact haha).  Other than the short distance and travelling time (which made me real happy haha), the polyclinic posting gave me rly warm, neighbourhood and family feels :') Maybe cause it is situated amongst the housing estate blocks :)  I'll miss leaving house at 8am every morning, reaching there at 8.25am for a comfortable rest before reporting to Dr Kwek and having our daily short teaching, before being split up into clinics, then meeting back for lunch again where YK will bring us for a short food tour around BB, then going back to clinics for 2 hours before meeting Dr Kwek again for teaching and then leaving at 5pm :) I learnt much more about chronic conditions like DM during these 6 days, and that's impt since they are so common amongst our ageing population today.  We also got to learn about the healthcare landscape in Singapore and what the other healthcare professionals do. I guess Dom was right in saying that fam med rly puts things in perspective :)  It has been a memorable 2 weeks, and I will rmb these feels :')

But I have to admit that I'm rly looking forward to this Fri/Sat hahaha.  These 2 weeks have flown by so quickly without me knowing (part of me is still in the paeds frame of mind hahaha.  Speaking of which, we were posted to the children's DA clinic for a short while yest and the consults just cheered me up so much [I rly think kids have such infectious smiles, and they are so innocent sighs :))]) but I rly hope that these last 2 days will flyyyyyyy by even more quickly haha cause I can't wait for holidays!!  Just gotta finish up the write-up and the FM project nicely and submit them before we finally fly off for HK wheee ~

So gotta hang in there!!!!  Just 1 more day of combined teaching at Jurong polyclinic tmr (and more polishing of write-up and FM project), 1 more longggggggg day of CTS + FM teaching on Friday (0830-1800 omgggg rly), submit write-up and FM project and some last-minute packing and we are offffff :)))))

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Was pretty upset w myself yest and I'm rly considering seeking professional help. Idt it's that serious since I'm able to recognise it myself, but I'm jus rly tired out from all my thoughts sometimes, from experiencing a myriad of feelings of anger, envy, frustration and helplessness then subsequently being cheerful all of a sudden and deciding that everything is okay and finding inner peace within myself.  I've decided on one thing though and I hope that it wouldn't change - that I don't have to struggle w myself anymore on what I should be and what I shouldn't be, cause if I can't even choose to be myself freely, there's rly no point in living is there?  If I have to be careful with my every step, and think about what people like and can accept and what they can't, I will be so miserable all the time.  I'm gonna just be myself and as long as I love this version of me, I think that's good enough.  Secondly, I should rly have more faith and trust, but I'm finding it harder and harder to find this inner peace within myself these days.  I'm so afraid of losing this, and the more I'm afraid, the more I become someone I don't wanna be and the more I do things I don't wanna do, and it just makes me so unhappy all the time.  I rly wanna be that cool, chill, confident girl but I'm finding that I'm still so dependent and clingy whenever I get the chance to be emotionally close to someone.  But I must not give up, cause I know that that part of me still exists - I don't realise how aggressive I can be sometimes, and I'm actly stronger than I think and I should feel more comfortable w myself and accept my own strengths and weaknesses instead of envying others and wishing I could be more like them cause everyone's just different and facing their own different troubles.  But for now, lemme fix myself first :)  I don't want to have to depend on you to fix myself, and I don't want you to complete me.

I rly hope I can find this inner peace one day :)

As I grow older, I realise the increasing importance of family and how much they mean to me.  Was rly happy and touched this morning when my mum bought chinchow specially for me :) It may be a small thing but it's rly the small things that matter :') who else will remind me countlessly to eat breakfast, go out of the way to buy a drink for me then wait patiently for me at the side gate just to pass it to me before I attend sch :) I will have to learn how to take care of myself in future of course, but sometimes, I'm just really thankful and appreciative of this love, this unconditional love :))))

okk now back to finishing my write-up! (cause I wanna rest and watch TV later HAHA)

Nov. 28th, 2016

i have come this far to realise that im the only person who can save myself from my own clutches of sorrow,
that even if im filled w sadness and bitterness, i have to go fighting this battle against myself,
that no one is at fault or should be responsible for this,
that i have the perfect abilities to help myself.

sometimes i think,
why do i always overthink,
why do i have to feed myself w all this sorrow,
why can't things jus be simpler the way they are.

i rly dislike this mess,
all this envy and unpleasant feelings,
all these let-down hopes and disappointments,
all these expectations which i dont know how to manage.

Paediatrics

Hello!! it's Sunday and tmrw marks the start of our last week in Paeds :(

Just thought I would do a quick post/update heh.  Paeds has been nothing less than enjoyable for me so far, and it's undoubtedly my favourite posting so far :) I'm rly gonna miss Paeds as we move on to fam med next.  Paeds is no less, if not more stressful/busy/intense than IM, but it's just somehow much more enjoyable :) Other than the structure and organisation, it's  perhaps the kids who unknowingly bring joy and smiles to our faces during stressful tutorials/days, with their innocence and small genuine actions and behaviour.

Or perhaps we are just more suited to the M3 life since this is our 3rd posting haha (we are slightly more than halfway through M3 omg!!! it doesn't seem that long ago since we ended M2??).

Gotta slog it out for the rest of this week till EOPT on Friday but i can do it!!! jus that the intermittent headache is pretty annoying haha.  Really can't wait for hols and HK!!!!!  I haven't truly rested without guilt since a very long time haha :P

Ok back to my childhood exanthems heh :P
Hello! Today marks the start of our last week in NUH for paeds :( a lil sad cause i'm just getting used to the envt and everything's been q chill and nice so far haha. there are days when things are q intense and i realise that there's so much i needa go learn, but it's not too overwhelming and it seems achievable, unlike in IM where we gave up after a while haha.

This week's specialist clinics week, and i've been looking forward to this part of the posting since day 1 hahaha. hope it goes well! Today's my mini-CEX actly; i gotta get this over and done with before i enjoy the rest of the clinics in the week (: but im q nervous for mini-CEX tbh hahahaha :P rly hope it goes ok!

had some kinda tonsillolith for a few days and it's q uncomfortable cause i can feel it even when im just swallowing water haha. managed to somehow remove it after much difficulty yest (was q happy for that short while hahaha), but now ive new onset pharyngitis :(( it hurts so bad idw open my mouth to talk if possible /:

Will talk more about paeds another day :)
Hello!  Haven't posted in a while so thought i would do some updates :)

Currently having no voice now i think i talked too much HAHAHAHA.  We are starting on paeds tmrw!!!!! (good thing we are startin w lectures now that i have no voice hahaha)  Bade (???) farewell to cgh (for good i hope HAHA) and IM last week but i gotta admit i rly miss fifi (she's rly rly so nice and nurturing!!!! she's one of the reasons why i even looked forward to going for mornin rounds in the last 2 weeks; how many ppl will give u so many opportunities to learn and do procedures, call u when they change venues [i mean most times most ppl are too busy w their work but she actly makes the effort and go the extra mile for us <333]) and rose (she's soooo nice and accomodating, talking to her does cheer up my days :>).

now onto paeds!!!! heard it's much more structured so that's more comforting for a start :) but heard they are v strict too, and i guess it's gonna be an intense posting too and im not sure if im all that ready yet hahaha. ok at least there's the first 2 days to get into the groove again!

im so determined to make this posting count :) feel like im rly not proficient enoug and i can rly make better use of my time heh.  i rly got to be more proactive, think ive been too lazy and passive all this while.  actly q excited to return to the hospital to learn actly haha.  ok 3rd M3 POSTING HERE WE GO WE CAN DO THIS!!!! :)

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been a lil down and last night i hugged pooh sooooo tightly cause i needed one so bad sighs.  like i was more upset/disappointed w the situation and wished it didn't have to come to that, but it's not sth that i can control.  rly wished that these battles didnt exist but i also wished i was stronger to fight these battles myself :(  rly also wished as usual that i would use my head more than my heart but feelings always insist on getting in the way sighs.

rly so, so thankful for xy tho :)))

i can do this rawr!!!!!!!!!
hello.

not sure if it's the stress that's getting to me, but tonight is a strange night.

i don't know what to say or do of this entire period, cause it feels like i just slipped out of a dream.

how do i begin to describe the feels within me?  they aren't anger nor resentment.  i suppose they are a mix of lethargy, helplessness w a tinge of loneliness and optimism.  or maybe swinging from optimism to pessimism to not feelin anything at all to feelin everything at once has finally taken a toll on me and i now feel nothing but a mild headache.

i feel like i can do so, so, so much more, but i don't have the time, energy or even motivation to do it.  and that saddens and even angers me.  what am i doing?  im trying to convince myself that ive done enough and what's within my limits, but the truth is that it's not enough.  and i can do so much more but im not trying hard enough to fight the lethargy and laziness (which has got the better of me over time as i keep trying to find excuses for myself).

i tell myself, i promise myself that after this, i no longer have excuses or reasons.

i will take a good break, but i will use the time to also do the things i wanna do, set goals for myself and i wanna come back in the 3rd posting, ever stronger and ever ready to fight anything that comes my way.

as for now, jus hang in there for 3 more weeks (:

at the same time, i feel like ive lost myself.  like everything that is familiar to me is slowly slipping away from me.  perhaps that's what it feels like when u start losing yr memories.  and when u wake up one day to find that u have finally remembered the way back, everythin is no longer familiar.

i feel it's been so tiring and tough, but it's not like ive been learning that much mm.  i know we are all fighting our own battles, but i just wish this was an easier one.

to better days ahead, and finally rly looking forward to the end in the hospital that's Too Far Away.

bubble world

3 weeks into IM now and all i can say is that im rly exhausted.

i guess learning so many things at once without any structure or organisation at all is pretty interesting and maybe even fun, but it can be pretty overwhelming.  i mean it's nice to have good challenges and that's what makes life interesting.  but i'm rly thoroughly exhausted.  ive come to a point where i look forward to weekends during weekdays cause i rly wanna take a chill pill and yknow, just maybe relax for a day or sth, yet also look forward to weekdays during weekends cause i wanna be kept busy.

the distance is mainly the part that kills me?  but i think staying in the hospital for prolonged periods of time too.  i'll leave house around 630 and reach home around 830?  haven't got the time or energy to do anythin much.  i set a few goals for myself this week but rly hope i can achieve them, cause for now im just too tired everyday to even think about anythin (which is good and bad haha).  im operating on 70% everyday haha and it just drops to like 20% as the day passes.  but thankful for a trusty and reliable cg partner and train buddy for the past 2 weeks :> sry im always whining and complaining bout everythin to u hahaha, thank u for not asking me to keep quiet tho u need to work on yr empathy hurhur.

finally met up w xinyi last friday and it made me realise how much ive missed her.
& meeting her that day made me jus wanna see her again soon.
she's jus someone i can talk everything to, someone who listens and who pays attention,
someone who may not always understand but always try to empathise.
& it was a rly nice break away from work and all :)
i rly miss her.

sighs, im not rly wishing for this to be over i guess, i mean i quite like it.  im pretty interested in IM i think but i rly gotta brush up on my PE esp my percussion oh my goodness.  the lethargy is the only thing la hur, and i rly prefer to have more energy hahaha.  plus i rly got to learn how to be understanding + keep my patience despite being in this state.  honestly sometimes i rly wanna screw everythin and just give up cause it's rly so tiring yknow, physically, mentally, psychologically etc etc etc.  but it's okk this will train me to be stronger + able to work and try to be my usual controlled self despite being in chronic fatigue hahahahaha.

Aug. 12th, 2016

maybe tonight isn't the best time to post cause im rly exhausted and maybe my feelings are amplified

but i just wanna say

im rly tired and sometimes idk what i want. i jus know it's sometimes so painful inside, even though it isn't supposed to be like this. & i rly hope someone or sth can save me and just stop this entire feeling

maybe it's just this period when i feel esp vulnerable, esp dependent and i rly rly rly wanna just cling onto sth or someone and be reassured constantly, even if i become just too much. just for this period... cause im so tired and i rly wish i had more comfort from a source of reassurance other than myself cause my v optimistic self is rly tired toooo hahahahaha

or maybe im just crazy from the late night call and general lethargy tonight. maybe Tmr i'll stop being so demanding... i should be doing it on my own but yknow... sometimes i rly wish i could ... 😢
Hello!  EOPT is finally overrrrr!!  It was ok, but for 1 or 2 stations I missed out some history and steps which I would have included if I were to do it again.  And for some, they didn't say much so u dk whether u missed out sth or u did everything that's required so there's nothing much to say.  But oh wells, at least it's over :)  So it has been a good past 8 weeks (rly doesn't seem like 8 weeks to me tho!! Time rly passes v fast) and I promised myself to think about my experiences and pen my thoughts after EOPT, so here goes (:

Orthopaedics (NTFGH)

I rmb feeling a lil lost and stressed in the 1st week, cause I felt like there was rly no structure in the learning and u had to decide on yr own what u wanted to learn, how u could learn it etc.  Unlike M1 and M2 where everyone learnt the same things from lectures and you more or less knew what was impt to know and what was good to know, it was diff in M3 cause you wouldn't necessarily see everything you needed to know, depending on your luck.  And initially I felt that NTFGH didn't have much of a teaching culture and the doctors are often too busy to teach us (but actly they rly don't have the obligation to since their job is to see patients and treat them).  And we had nothing on our schedule so we got to decide what we wanted to do everyday; in fact you could just go for the tutorials and miss everything else and no one would know, cause u are entirely responsible for your own learning.  I finally realised in weeks 2 and 3 how I could learn best and make full use of my time.  For e.g., clinics is a must to go for Ortho, and u can rly learn a lot there just from observations.  Occasionally the doctors would teach us and they would definitely answer us if we had any questions.  Going to the wards was a plus minus for me since the inpatient cases were mainly pre-op or post-op cases, but I did take history from different cases e.g. NOF # (neck of femur fracture) or Charcot joint etc.

NTFGH has rly nice facilities, like the big open space area where there were clean and comfortable seats for us to sit and study, countless empty rooms we could use to practise, an easy-to-use patient records system (everything is electronic), countless food options, big and spacious clinics rooms, airy clean and spacious wards (there's rly a lot of space to walk and move around and the envt is rly nice).

I also liked how they have morning meetings for the whole Ortho department everyday, and that was when you got to see everyone and sometimes their discussions can be v interesting.  It felt like a close-knit community, and everyone would split up to go for morning rounds after that.

There were only 2 CGs there doing Ortho, and there were other postings like IM and GS I guess, but in general there were v few of us students at the hospital during the posting.  So somehow the envt seemed less intimidating, like we would dare to walk into the HO room and ask a free HO if he/she was free to hear us present a case or teach us sth haha.  I must say that the PSAs at NTFGH are rly v nice even to us students; they would get stools for us to sit or even water (!!!).

Orthopaedics (NUH)

In general, most of us at NTFGH felt like we were thrown in the deep end of the sea when we went there cause we had to decide what we wanted to do ourselves and all, and navigate around the hospital and figure out the system on our own.  Some liked that cause it would mean more freedom in deciding how u would learn best etc, but others preferred NUH much more cause it is much more familiar to us lurh, and it's a teaching hospital w a well-established teaching culture so the doctors would teach us here and there in the clinics and even during ward rounds.

But for me, I'm just rly glad that I got experience learning at both hospitals.  NUH Ortho didn't rly have morning meetings or rounds which we could join conveniently (I mean it depends on how much effort you put in to find out where they are and what they are doing lurh).  And I guess cause NTFGH was the 1st hospital, I learnt a lot from there cause everything I saw was sth new haha, whereas we would have seen most of the things alr by the time we went to NUH.

I saw a TKR (total knee replacement), went for 1 morning round and mostly went to clinics in NUH.  Clinics and tutorials were scheduled for us everyday (v structured haha), and the learning envt was pretty good.  I especially learnt alot for hand when I was here at NUH, and it was to the point where we decided we didn't need to go for anymore hand clinics and should focus on others instead after the 1st 2 weeks here.

But I must say that the envt is somehow more intimidating here, perhaps cause there are many more students and patients and everyone is so super busy and sometimes it feels like u are taking up space and their precious time.  The PSAs for e.g. treated us pretty much as invisible and didn't respect us students (I guess they don't have a need to, but it would be nice to yknow, have eye contact w us or be a little friendlier when we ask questions T.T  I guess the good experience at NTFGH rly made me feel extra disappointed w this).  One of them even got annoyed at 2 little kids who were in the clinics (they weren't even doing anything much!!  Just talking to themselves and playing around like how kids would do) and rolled her eyes multiple times and made her unhappiness known, so I got pretty shocked at that cause it wasn't v professional.  

Future Plans

I guess Ortho was in general q a honeymoon period cause there were only 2 mini-CEX to be done and the EOPT at the end of 8 weeks.  Content wise also isn't too heavy and can be mostly learnt (at least those u definitely have to know) and seen by the end of 8 weeks.  I guess it was a good thing we started with this cause we were pretty much still in a holiday mood in the first few weeks haha.  It was a pretty relaxing posting in general w a rly good learning pace and I thought M3 actly ain't too bad if the rest could be like this (but unfortunately other postings would be clearly much more fast-paced and intense).  & I guess it was good that we used this posting to get used to how clinicals work, and would be more prepared to decide how we should learn best for future postings.

IM's starting next week (so sad they don't give us any break in between haha but I guess yupp that's just how M3 life is so hectic) at CGH, and I'm rly dreading the distance T.T  But we just gotta accept that that's how it's gonna be for the next 8 weeks, and we must be rotated there eventually ma to experience learning at every public hospital.  So we just gotta make full use of our time heh! (: