Why do people always end up being so different from what you thought them to be?  They always end up disappointing. Always do.

Time and again, you think it's "just this time".  You wish for something better, you know this is not them, you give them another chance to prove yourself wrong.  But turns out, they are not who you thought they were.  Or maybe you knew better, but just weren't prepared to admit it.  But on what grounds? Friends? Batch mates? Or maybe it's just the basic respect we ought to give every living, breathing human being.  

But the question is, do they even see you the same way? If they are not even treating you with the basic respect you deserve as a human being, why should they expect you to do the same, or even more for them? Tell them they are being ridiculous, that they are absurd.  One day, someone ought to wake them up or knock some sense into their heads.  One day, they will walk into the big wide world one day and realize just how tiny they are, and how naive they were to think otherwise. 

Maybe you are finally right this time.  

They never deserved it.

Sometimes just the thought of it makes me so happy :')) superficial but real, temporary but deep.  

Somehow I feel like I've known you since forever, when I know we have just met.  

Stay true :)

"A drop in the ocean
A change in the weather
I was praying that you and me might end up together
It’s like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert
But I’m holding you closer than most ’cause you are my heaven"

Have never been in one so don't know how it feels like, but it must be painful no matter what. But stay strong k! Wanted to say something nice to him, but we aren't close and think he kinda dislikes me. But anyway we kinda figured that buying him skittles and comforting him wouldn't really work, cause maybe he just need some time alone. And it's anything but helpful to say it's okay buddy, because we all know it's not. Hope he can find someone he can trust to confide in and get up on his feet really soon.

Don't let go, but don't hold on too long either.

Mm think it's pretty rare for me to be posting on a Tuesday afternoon, but here I am,sitting at the poolside instead of rushing home to change out. Thought it would be good to just relax, think through and reflect about life instead of just going through the rigours of it. Anyway how often do we actually sit down and look at the things around us? Didn't run during training last Wednesday because of my sprained ankle, and I noticed the sun setting, in hues of yellow, blue and purple for once. The scenery was really breathtaking, but I really wondered why I never noticed it before. I wonder how many sunsets I have missed, and how much it really takes for one to see how beautiful this world is. It is not as dark and heidious as we think it is; we just lack the time and effort to appreciate the beauty that lies right before us.

Hurl your umbrella aside and dance in the rain, lie on the soaked grass and sprawl your arms wide, laugh, love and live today like there's no tomorrow.

I guess I'll never admit it to anyone about this one. Just wanna say I think you are a good person, because even though you are part of them, you never put on airs, you never talk to us like you think you are more superior. You never judge, you never criticise, you never do things on purpose just to impress others, even though you are so talented. You are so much more than that and I'm really very proud of you :') really hope you will always stay the same and never be like any of them, because the day you do I think I may just lose it. Don't mind looking from a distance, but will be more than happy if I ever got the chance to know you better :)

What if one day, you rip yourself apart and realise you don't like what you see? What if you are actually just a horrible beast with no tinge of sympathy, no kindness whatsoever? What if you realise one day that all this time, you have been deceiving everyone else, including yourself?

And when that day comes, what do you do to escape from yourself? Where can you go?

Nowhere. You are trapped.

It creates bundles of joy, boundless satisfaction, but the world around me is not evolving in the same way. It is getting further and further and I'm afraid that one day, it will be out of my reach. One day, I'll be so subconscious and so self absorbed that even I don't find a problem with it anymore.

It kills; it burns, and it is so vicious. Who created it in the first place? But who ever said we have to see ourselves the way society sees us? Who sets the definition for what is cool and what's not? Who has the right to set the boundary and deny access to anyone?

It's known, but unspoken. But it is vicious and unkind. It whispers, it sneers, it mocks.

We are not supposed to be this way. Why are we becoming worse and worse just as we have a greater and greater ability to make things better?

We are destroying ourselves. And the worst part about it is that we ourselves aren't aware of it.

We can't be in 2 worlds at the same time. It's not possible to be malicious one second, and say it's okay in the next. I wonder if anyone can see it, if anyone can feel it, or is everyone just swimming with the flow? Nothing can be changed about it if they don't see a need for a change in the first place.

I feel so wary now. I fear every step I take, every breath I take in. It's like breathing in poison, which smells like roses that it deludes everyone. Hey guys! It lies, it convinces, it steals. Until you breathe your last.

Where are you? I can't see you anymore. Are those tears, or has the landscape really changed? I want to find you, but I don't know where to start. I am lost, I am overwhelmed by the blinding colourful lights.

I am falling, when I'm supposed to be flying. I struggle, I fight, I'll live to see the world change. It'll be okay.

I hope.

Haven't posted in agessss but actually I did have a few drafts that I did on my way back home from school, but never got around to posting it.  

Shall post now even though I have a pile of work waiting for me to clear, because blogging helps to clear my thoughts and keeps me at peace.  It makes me think and surprisingly, I always feel like I have known a part of myself better at the end of each post.

I think it's quite sad how time flies by so fast in JC that I hardly have time to really appreciate and think through the things I'm going through.  And maybe because of that, I don't really have anything to look forward to ):  

Liking my class more and more now :)) They are really a bunch of funny and interesting people (:  And I think my class is a little more bonded than how my class last year was like at the start of sec 3!  Somehow, I feel much closer to some of them even though we were probably close to being complete strangers just 3 months ago?  I can talk to them about anything under the sun and yet not fear a single bit about how they will think of/judge me, and I think that's a really really nice feeling :) Small group talk that Friday before class camp with LiTing, Pris, Yuin Teng, Gek and Jee Kin made the day seem so much better and kept me warm and happy inside ((: Really hope we will sit down one day and talk again :)  

Got to know some of the canoe people better through the past few days, (Nats and canoe dinner @ sakura!) and I must say they are really a group of cooperative and spontaneous people.  Kenneth and I had to get people down to help out and roster them and they were all rather helpful and nice about it ((: 

ISLE camp was pretty good too but tbh I didn't really expect anything out of it, hmm maybe because I thought that our team was pretty cliquish...and well.. I don't know if it's just me and maybe I'm just being a lil too sensitive, but I feel invisible/out of place when I'm with them.  But the camp was super fun, and I thought we had pretty good team spirit during the games and stuffzzzz!

But I'm not gonna lie here just because I know some ppl will read this but to be very honest, I was kinda disappointed during the session on Monday cause we were back to square 1.  Maybe it's because I thought we would be closer/more comfortable because we were so hyped up as a team during camp and I had higher expectations of our team dynamics.. but it didn't turn out the way I hoped it would..  It seems as though everyone already knows at least some other person through class, CCA, OG etc but they don't seem to want to step out of their circles to know anyone else.  

On the other hand, when I went back to class for Math and saw those familiar faces, I just felt so relieved and fuzzy inside.. (I was like, YESSS, this IS the right feel) Hmm I don't even know why I felt that way; I mean, like ISLE, I am looking forward to the end of year trip and all the pre/post SL projects that we will be doing together, and I was all CANGYUAN <3333 on twitter at the end of camp, but somehow the magical feel wasn't there during all the previous sessions..  I really, really hope that it was just a misjudgment on my part and that it will just get better and better from now.  I want to come back months, or even weeks from now on to tell you readers that hey I was so wrong about us, because we are so much more than what I thought we were.  Okay, so maybe not every group clicks and has the instantaneous magic, so I'm going to give us more time and space so that one day, we won't be just a group of random people, but a real team :)) 

Let's make things right, starting from tomorrow's session ((: #hopeful

On the bright side, that little experience also made me realize how satisfied I am with the other aspects of life :) 

Sigh ain't a crush or anything but saw them that day and felt a lil happy for a while >< I don't know which, but I've always wanted to change someone for the better, and I hope hope hope I'll be able to do that :P but don't think they will give me the chance to cause 1. I don't have the courage to go up to him/them and talk to him/them, what's more be on close terms with him/them (I totally cannot imagine that) and 2. they will never notice me for who I am.  Sigh, sometimes, just sometimes, I wish making friends was so much simpler.

I wonder if making a difficult choice, like grief, involves stages. Maybe, it does. First, you feel torn between both and you start weighing the pros and cons of both. You try to get advice, and find more information about both. Then you think about it and try to weigh your options, but when you still can't arrive at a decision you start to get exasperated and frustrated. And finally, you feel so tired that you don't really care about what happens anymore, because all you want is for it to be over.

I think the most difficult part about making a choice is being afraid of the unknown; fearing because you don't know which is better, fearing because you don't know if you will regret your decision. With every decision comes a cost, consequences that are sometimes too heavy to bear.

The feeling of making a seemingly bad choice is sore, sore right to the core, because you know very well that you had the freedom and were in the position to choose something else but did not.

But really sometimes, how would you know how and what it's like when you were never in it? Some people blame you for making a poor decision as though it is very obvious to them they would have picked the other if it were them. But you know they just aren't looking at things from your perspective when they say, "you could have found out more about it" or "you could have made a more informed decision".

I really don't know what to do now; conflicted like usual. Sometimes it's very troubling how there's no one surest way to do something right, or a foolproof method that will work 100% of the time. What means more to me? Which is the most important factor? And is this factor the one that is widely acknowledged? Or is it too insignificant/superfluous?

Wish I had the confidence to just go ahead with something without looking back or wonder, not even a split second, if it was the correct decision. And I really admire people who have the courage to carry on and continue with whatever they are doing, even when all odds are against them, even when the circumstances are obviously asking them to head back. These people have pride, self-confidence, faith and strength- everything I want but lack.


Did what I thought I had to do. I may get blamed or scolded again, but who cares anymore? Maybe some 10 or 20 years down the road, I will look back and regret my decision; or envision how things would have looked if I had not taken the extra step. Yes, this may not be the best decision ever, it may not even be a wise or rational one, but in any case, I did what I had to do. And even if I were to ever look back and ponder if I did the right thing, I would know that it was something I had wanted to do very much at one point in my life.

Just hoping for the best now, and I think I'm just going to follow the plan God has in mind for me.

Live with no regrets; and keep the faith :)

I think it's pretty ironic how I'm posting more now even though the workload is starting to get heavier. But the train rides are long and I usually don't get a seat so I have to entertain myself through this. I guess it's not such a bad thing cause I need a platform for me to express myself/ let things out so that they won't be cooped up in me.

Haha I like my new class, cause I think it has a lot of potential :) okay I guess now we may seem awkward around each other now, and there are bound to be people who are closer to some than others, but that's pretty normal and I'm sure it happens with every other class. I think the girls in my class are very easy to talk to, and maybe it's just me but I feel like I can talk to any one of them and feel comfortable. It's like I can just be myself
without having the slightest worry about not being good enough for them. Yea I know I sound super duper insecure and I don't know even know why I worry so unnecessarily sometimes. Haha and the guys are just EPIC, seriously. I don't think it's intentional but precisely cause they are so serious and unpretentious about it makes the whole thing damn funny.

1st training omg hope they won't make us do intensive training or anything haha. Excited and scared at the same time, the seniors are really nice! Okay to a good day tomorrow :D

Finally made a decision after being torn between canoe and archery.  Asked tons of people for advice, but in the end, I decided to "follow my heart", as what Dad said.  Somehow, I feel uber sad when I think of taking archery and joining canoe, but I don't feel quite the same with the reverse.  It seems like my opp cost of taking archery is higher than that of taking canoe LOL.  

I've decided to join Boon Lay cause both CA and Red Cross clash with canoe /: Haiz really wanted to join Red Cross, but.. ): Mrs Yeo was like "That's my red cross girl" or something along those lines when she called upon me to answer a question during Bio that day. Would have been nice to have her as a CCA teacher IC (': 

Life is about making choices, but I hope I won't make the wrong ones today, because they will determine my JC experience, and probably my direction later on in life.  

Des, Sheryl, gek and ling are joining canoe too I think woohoo :) Apparently canoe doesn't get top positions cause they don't have enough people every year, so they have to use the same people for the different events even though they are probably already tired and worn out.  Was talking to Sheryl about that and she told me that she was thinking that if our batch (being bigger this year) could work together and train hard, we could make a brand new start.  Loved the determination in her eyes and the spirit mann.

Hopefully, things will work out fine in the end :) 

2 weeks into JC, and I would say I really prefer the RGS environment. I think RJ lacks just a little bit of humanity. It is a cool world, either you survive it, or you don't.  I don't think I'll be able to put it in words aptly, but it's something you will experience when you get in.   

They say girls are superficial, but I think guys are no more different. Sure, they may not exactly mean what they say, but it's still downright mean, and it can still hurt. Think we should stop judging people based on how they look, and stop labelling and stereoptyping them. 

Sometimes I can't help but wonder how each and every of us will turn out at the end of these 2 years. In this world that revolves mainly around grades and looks, is there really nothing else? Most people probably don't really care/worry and maybe I'm just being too paranoid and insecure, but I can sense myself getting less and less conscious, and sinking deeper and deeper everyday.

Actually, I still don't know who and what I want to be yet, but I think I'm getting closer to my answer, because each day, I see things I don't want to be. Had a heart to heart talk with Celine that day, and it kinda helped cause while she might not have shared the same viewpoints as me, she understood me and where I was going. And sometimes all you need is that listening ear. 

Last week was mostly interviews/trials and they were pretty fun/interesting! Still don't know what to join though, hope I'll have a clearer view by the end of this week :) anyway, I lost my phone on Sunday! I was super depressed because it had so much sentimental value T.T It's a really long story, but I'm truly disappointed in our generation. How are we supposed to be future leaders, when we lack basic moral principles like integrity? Haiz and I was just starting to accumulate my contacts! Now I lost everything ): but hey guys if you see this, pls msg me with your name if ya contacting me so that I can save them! I'm still using the same number :) Dad got me a new phone yesterday but I can't really get used to the bulky cover. But I prefer my lock screen and home screen wallpapers now! But haiz I should really learn to be more careful especially when it comes to safeguarding my valuables. I guess I'll just have to pick myself up, and learn from this painful lesson )': 

I really can't stand how noble and oh-so-perfect she makes herself sound to be. 

And if you aren't happy about something, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.  Just sitting around and complaining will not help the situation; if you said you have done so much and nothing is working, look at the root of the problem and tackle it until you can! Bitching about what went wrong previously will not help, seriously.

Stop harping on the past, girl, you seriously got to learn how to move on.  Someone should seriously knock some sense into you, because you should GROW UP.  

We weren't even thinking of you as the one who made the mistake; you are the one who's adamant on reminding yourself of the incident, and refusing to let go.  And all you think of is yourself, it's always in YOUR shoes.  Have you ever thought about things from our perspective?  Did you know how bad things looked?   Are you the only one who cares for your juniors? So the rest of us are just a bunch of fools who only care about fooling around?  In life, there are always possibilities and alternatives; the fact that you took it in your hand means that you chose an alternative over the rest.  Did you consult your seniors?  Did you even tell your batch mates about it?  There are so many other things you could have done, but didn't.

Please stop trying to justify your actions, because it will only make you look worse.  You are trying to make yourself feel better about what you did, but the truth is, you probably didn't think so much about it.  If you did, why do you even need to care so much about how others think of you?  Why is there a need for you to prove yourself, and to prove that what you did is correct, and the best choice, if that was really what you thought then?

You will never be able to convince us if you continue behaving in this manner.  The truth is, we will never be able to completely understand your perspective, because to us, that will always remain as a poor judgment.  If it were us, we would definitely have talked to our batch mates, then do something together as a batch, or inform our seniors.  You had so much confidence in yourself that that was the best thing to do, that you didn't bother asking others about it.  You didn't trust anyone but yourself right?  I don't believe you actually considered that much before you made the move.  I don't know how you thought then, but all I can say is that if you don't even have the slightest trust in your batch mates in asking them what to do, you are really leading a sad, sad life.  If there's no trust in the relationships you have, there is no way, no way at all, they can be sustained.

What you need to do right now is to stop focusing on YOURSELF, step out of your comfort zone and look at the wide world outside.  The reality is harsh, and no one is going to stop for you.  Stop living in the past, because it will do you no good.  For goodness sake, please LET GO.  Just pick yourself up, and move on.

You love yourself way too much.  You want to make yourself perfect, or seem perfect, because to you, you are infallible, you must succeed.  You must be the best, you must always be top notch.  There's no problem with thinking like that, really, but the big problem comes when your decisions affect others around you.  You have such a huge pride and ego, that you are doing all you can to protect and defend it.  You are so narrow-minded that you think everything you did is right, but please understand that we are humans, and as humans, we have the tendency to err.  No one in the world is perfect, so stop being on hard on us for making you sound less than perfect.  

Come on, you don't even know the amount of effort we put in, and the hard work behind all this, okay.  Yes, maybe you work hard, maybe you love them, maybe you truly want the best for them.  So what, the rest of us haven't been through all that before? So the rest of us just hate our juniors?  We don't want them to do well?  Just because hard work doesn't always translate to results in reality doesn't mean you just ignore the existence of the effort.  You don't know how much we have gone through, you don't know what we needed to face, because you were not us.

The problem is not with you, nor your batch, but with your attitude.  Your actions speak volumes about your attitude, and because there was a divergence between our ideals and principles and yours, as seniors, we felt there was need for you to change. That's all, really.  We didn't hate you or thought that it was really unreasonable and foolish of you to do such a thing.   

But all you did was to keep explaining your actions, how you thought then, and why you chose to do it.  And the worst thing was that you kept putting us down.  Honestly some of us just can't take it anymore.  Maybe we weren't the best seniors ever, maybe we could have done a million things better, and trust us, we know okay.  We do.  But we have left already, why are you still blaming us for things we did in the past year, when it's freaking february already?  If you really dislike us, please do better.  Please bring the company to greater heights, please do everything we couldn't do.  Please OUTDO us.  

At the end of the day, does it really matter which batch is better than the other?  No it does not.  What matters is whether the company improves under our charge.  Everything should be done in the best interests of the company, and no comparison should be made because the circumstances were different then.  

And please, please stop doing things your own way.  Even if you think that's the best way, it may only be your own opinion.  Please learn to trust others, and acknowledge that it's very possible and likely for any and everyone to make mistakes.  The world doesn't revolve around you, and YOU are not the only one who can make a difference. 

I really, really hope you will learn to mature and grow out of your own world soon, or you will just suffer in the future.  The harsh fact about life, especially working life, is that no one gives a damn about you and your perspective, no matter how much you try to explain.  Life is unfair, so we must try our work around things.  If your boss doesn't like you, too bad.  No matter how much you bitch about him or her won't make a difference because it will just add fuel to the hate.  We still had the sense to reflect upon ourselves and see where we went wrong.  We tried to correct you and tell you why this isn't the way you should go about doing things, but do you really think everyone will be like that?

You either be a somebody in future, or prepare to complain and bitch about your sad life everyday in future.  Because the sad truth is, for every day you are under someone, you have got to be in his shoes, listen to him/her and not expect the reciprocal.