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Hello!  Haven't posted in a while so thought i would do some updates :)

Currently having no voice now i think i talked too much HAHAHAHA.  We are starting on paeds tmrw!!!!! (good thing we are startin w lectures now that i have no voice hahaha)  Bade (???) farewell to cgh (for good i hope HAHA) and IM last week but i gotta admit i rly miss fifi (she's rly rly so nice and nurturing!!!! she's one of the reasons why i even looked forward to going for mornin rounds in the last 2 weeks; how many ppl will give u so many opportunities to learn and do procedures, call u when they change venues [i mean most times most ppl are too busy w their work but she actly makes the effort and go the extra mile for us <333]) and rose (she's soooo nice and accomodating, talking to her does cheer up my days :>).

now onto paeds!!!! heard it's much more structured so that's more comforting for a start :) but heard they are v strict too, and i guess it's gonna be an intense posting too and im not sure if im all that ready yet hahaha. ok at least there's the first 2 days to get into the groove again!

im so determined to make this posting count :) feel like im rly not proficient enoug and i can rly make better use of my time heh.  i rly got to be more proactive, think ive been too lazy and passive all this while.  actly q excited to return to the hospital to learn actly haha.  ok 3rd M3 POSTING HERE WE GO WE CAN DO THIS!!!! :)


been a lil down and last night i hugged pooh sooooo tightly cause i needed one so bad sighs.  like i was more upset/disappointed w the situation and wished it didn't have to come to that, but it's not sth that i can control.  rly wished that these battles didnt exist but i also wished i was stronger to fight these battles myself :(  rly also wished as usual that i would use my head more than my heart but feelings always insist on getting in the way sighs.

rly so, so thankful for xy tho :)))

i can do this rawr!!!!!!!!!

not sure if it's the stress that's getting to me, but tonight is a strange night.

i don't know what to say or do of this entire period, cause it feels like i just slipped out of a dream.

how do i begin to describe the feels within me?  they aren't anger nor resentment.  i suppose they are a mix of lethargy, helplessness w a tinge of loneliness and optimism.  or maybe swinging from optimism to pessimism to not feelin anything at all to feelin everything at once has finally taken a toll on me and i now feel nothing but a mild headache.

i feel like i can do so, so, so much more, but i don't have the time, energy or even motivation to do it.  and that saddens and even angers me.  what am i doing?  im trying to convince myself that ive done enough and what's within my limits, but the truth is that it's not enough.  and i can do so much more but im not trying hard enough to fight the lethargy and laziness (which has got the better of me over time as i keep trying to find excuses for myself).

i tell myself, i promise myself that after this, i no longer have excuses or reasons.

i will take a good break, but i will use the time to also do the things i wanna do, set goals for myself and i wanna come back in the 3rd posting, ever stronger and ever ready to fight anything that comes my way.

as for now, jus hang in there for 3 more weeks (:

at the same time, i feel like ive lost myself.  like everything that is familiar to me is slowly slipping away from me.  perhaps that's what it feels like when u start losing yr memories.  and when u wake up one day to find that u have finally remembered the way back, everythin is no longer familiar.

i feel it's been so tiring and tough, but it's not like ive been learning that much mm.  i know we are all fighting our own battles, but i just wish this was an easier one.

to better days ahead, and finally rly looking forward to the end in the hospital that's Too Far Away.

bubble world

3 weeks into IM now and all i can say is that im rly exhausted.

i guess learning so many things at once without any structure or organisation at all is pretty interesting and maybe even fun, but it can be pretty overwhelming.  i mean it's nice to have good challenges and that's what makes life interesting.  but i'm rly thoroughly exhausted.  ive come to a point where i look forward to weekends during weekdays cause i rly wanna take a chill pill and yknow, just maybe relax for a day or sth, yet also look forward to weekdays during weekends cause i wanna be kept busy.

the distance is mainly the part that kills me?  but i think staying in the hospital for prolonged periods of time too.  i'll leave house around 630 and reach home around 830?  haven't got the time or energy to do anythin much.  i set a few goals for myself this week but rly hope i can achieve them, cause for now im just too tired everyday to even think about anythin (which is good and bad haha).  im operating on 70% everyday haha and it just drops to like 20% as the day passes.  but thankful for a trusty and reliable cg partner and train buddy for the past 2 weeks :> sry im always whining and complaining bout everythin to u hahaha, thank u for not asking me to keep quiet tho u need to work on yr empathy hurhur.

finally met up w xinyi last friday and it made me realise how much ive missed her.
& meeting her that day made me jus wanna see her again soon.
she's jus someone i can talk everything to, someone who listens and who pays attention,
someone who may not always understand but always try to empathise.
& it was a rly nice break away from work and all :)
i rly miss her.

sighs, im not rly wishing for this to be over i guess, i mean i quite like it.  im pretty interested in IM i think but i rly gotta brush up on my PE esp my percussion oh my goodness.  the lethargy is the only thing la hur, and i rly prefer to have more energy hahaha.  plus i rly got to learn how to be understanding + keep my patience despite being in this state.  honestly sometimes i rly wanna screw everythin and just give up cause it's rly so tiring yknow, physically, mentally, psychologically etc etc etc.  but it's okk this will train me to be stronger + able to work and try to be my usual controlled self despite being in chronic fatigue hahahahaha.

Aug. 12th, 2016

maybe tonight isn't the best time to post cause im rly exhausted and maybe my feelings are amplified

but i just wanna say

im rly tired and sometimes idk what i want. i jus know it's sometimes so painful inside, even though it isn't supposed to be like this. & i rly hope someone or sth can save me and just stop this entire feeling

maybe it's just this period when i feel esp vulnerable, esp dependent and i rly rly rly wanna just cling onto sth or someone and be reassured constantly, even if i become just too much. just for this period... cause im so tired and i rly wish i had more comfort from a source of reassurance other than myself cause my v optimistic self is rly tired toooo hahahahaha

or maybe im just crazy from the late night call and general lethargy tonight. maybe Tmr i'll stop being so demanding... i should be doing it on my own but yknow... sometimes i rly wish i could ... 😢
Hello!  EOPT is finally overrrrr!!  It was ok, but for 1 or 2 stations I missed out some history and steps which I would have included if I were to do it again.  And for some, they didn't say much so u dk whether u missed out sth or u did everything that's required so there's nothing much to say.  But oh wells, at least it's over :)  So it has been a good past 8 weeks (rly doesn't seem like 8 weeks to me tho!! Time rly passes v fast) and I promised myself to think about my experiences and pen my thoughts after EOPT, so here goes (:

Orthopaedics (NTFGH)

I rmb feeling a lil lost and stressed in the 1st week, cause I felt like there was rly no structure in the learning and u had to decide on yr own what u wanted to learn, how u could learn it etc.  Unlike M1 and M2 where everyone learnt the same things from lectures and you more or less knew what was impt to know and what was good to know, it was diff in M3 cause you wouldn't necessarily see everything you needed to know, depending on your luck.  And initially I felt that NTFGH didn't have much of a teaching culture and the doctors are often too busy to teach us (but actly they rly don't have the obligation to since their job is to see patients and treat them).  And we had nothing on our schedule so we got to decide what we wanted to do everyday; in fact you could just go for the tutorials and miss everything else and no one would know, cause u are entirely responsible for your own learning.  I finally realised in weeks 2 and 3 how I could learn best and make full use of my time.  For e.g., clinics is a must to go for Ortho, and u can rly learn a lot there just from observations.  Occasionally the doctors would teach us and they would definitely answer us if we had any questions.  Going to the wards was a plus minus for me since the inpatient cases were mainly pre-op or post-op cases, but I did take history from different cases e.g. NOF # (neck of femur fracture) or Charcot joint etc.

NTFGH has rly nice facilities, like the big open space area where there were clean and comfortable seats for us to sit and study, countless empty rooms we could use to practise, an easy-to-use patient records system (everything is electronic), countless food options, big and spacious clinics rooms, airy clean and spacious wards (there's rly a lot of space to walk and move around and the envt is rly nice).

I also liked how they have morning meetings for the whole Ortho department everyday, and that was when you got to see everyone and sometimes their discussions can be v interesting.  It felt like a close-knit community, and everyone would split up to go for morning rounds after that.

There were only 2 CGs there doing Ortho, and there were other postings like IM and GS I guess, but in general there were v few of us students at the hospital during the posting.  So somehow the envt seemed less intimidating, like we would dare to walk into the HO room and ask a free HO if he/she was free to hear us present a case or teach us sth haha.  I must say that the PSAs at NTFGH are rly v nice even to us students; they would get stools for us to sit or even water (!!!).

Orthopaedics (NUH)

In general, most of us at NTFGH felt like we were thrown in the deep end of the sea when we went there cause we had to decide what we wanted to do ourselves and all, and navigate around the hospital and figure out the system on our own.  Some liked that cause it would mean more freedom in deciding how u would learn best etc, but others preferred NUH much more cause it is much more familiar to us lurh, and it's a teaching hospital w a well-established teaching culture so the doctors would teach us here and there in the clinics and even during ward rounds.

But for me, I'm just rly glad that I got experience learning at both hospitals.  NUH Ortho didn't rly have morning meetings or rounds which we could join conveniently (I mean it depends on how much effort you put in to find out where they are and what they are doing lurh).  And I guess cause NTFGH was the 1st hospital, I learnt a lot from there cause everything I saw was sth new haha, whereas we would have seen most of the things alr by the time we went to NUH.

I saw a TKR (total knee replacement), went for 1 morning round and mostly went to clinics in NUH.  Clinics and tutorials were scheduled for us everyday (v structured haha), and the learning envt was pretty good.  I especially learnt alot for hand when I was here at NUH, and it was to the point where we decided we didn't need to go for anymore hand clinics and should focus on others instead after the 1st 2 weeks here.

But I must say that the envt is somehow more intimidating here, perhaps cause there are many more students and patients and everyone is so super busy and sometimes it feels like u are taking up space and their precious time.  The PSAs for e.g. treated us pretty much as invisible and didn't respect us students (I guess they don't have a need to, but it would be nice to yknow, have eye contact w us or be a little friendlier when we ask questions T.T  I guess the good experience at NTFGH rly made me feel extra disappointed w this).  One of them even got annoyed at 2 little kids who were in the clinics (they weren't even doing anything much!!  Just talking to themselves and playing around like how kids would do) and rolled her eyes multiple times and made her unhappiness known, so I got pretty shocked at that cause it wasn't v professional.  

Future Plans

I guess Ortho was in general q a honeymoon period cause there were only 2 mini-CEX to be done and the EOPT at the end of 8 weeks.  Content wise also isn't too heavy and can be mostly learnt (at least those u definitely have to know) and seen by the end of 8 weeks.  I guess it was a good thing we started with this cause we were pretty much still in a holiday mood in the first few weeks haha.  It was a pretty relaxing posting in general w a rly good learning pace and I thought M3 actly ain't too bad if the rest could be like this (but unfortunately other postings would be clearly much more fast-paced and intense).  & I guess it was good that we used this posting to get used to how clinicals work, and would be more prepared to decide how we should learn best for future postings.

IM's starting next week (so sad they don't give us any break in between haha but I guess yupp that's just how M3 life is so hectic) at CGH, and I'm rly dreading the distance T.T  But we just gotta accept that that's how it's gonna be for the next 8 weeks, and we must be rotated there eventually ma to experience learning at every public hospital.  So we just gotta make full use of our time heh! (:


they are itchy and i rly wanna peel my skin off :'( i'm such a whiny baby sighs, but omg it's rly so itchy so pls lemme rant here!!! :(( sighs i didn't think it would be so bad (there are like at least 50+ on each foot [yes i rly counted cause i was wondering how many there were to be soooooooo itchy]) but it rly is and it's making me kinda upset/easily irritated today i guess.  the anti-histamines and steroids aren't rly working as i thought they would and they are kinda spreading to my fingers too :(  i always get this weird feeling that there's sth crawling underneath my skin.

my sis showed me this blogpost by this girl who got sandfly bites previously also (i think these are prolly sandfly and not mosquito bites) and she was saying how it took her 6 months for the itch to completely go away and how it took for the scars 1 year to completely disappear.  she also said that it was a real nightmare for her and that it got v depressing after a while (i can totally understand why and i gotta feeling i may just feel the same in a while) and must rly not scratch and all.  but i rly can't stand it :( the meds and cream are running out also cause i keep spamming but it only works for a short while??

even at this point, im intermittently scratching while typing sighs. (I KNOW I SHOULDN'T BE BUT I RLY CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE :((()

doesn't help that im getting stressed about the PEs and how we must work fast enough on our feet to take a super directed and focused history in PE in 7 minutes.  everything's getting on my nerves when they usually won't, and then i feel so bad after :(

im such a crybaby right sighs :(  i should just man up and stop whining about how itchy it is alr (which is what ive been doing to anyone who has taken notice of my rly ugly legs)..  gonna wear gloves tonight in case i cause them to bleed again while sleeping.

anws m3's rly fun and interesting so far (not the exams tho haha) and i do enjoy it v much (: but many things are plus minus and how much u get out of it rly depends on your luck and how brave and daring u are in volunteering yourself for things or asking questions.  most of the time they are too busy to tend to u but if u ask questions, most of them are nice enough to answer u :>  was gonna post about my experiences in both hospitals but i guess i'll do that after eopt (actly i wonder if ppl will avoid me if it continues spreading to my arms or more visible places, im pretty sure ppl would have if they had looked down at my legs).

for now, pls pls pls help me wish that the itch will go away miraculously!!!!! (i rly rly can't stand it anymore omggg) :"((((( and i rly rly rly hope that it's not contagious (i don't think so right??? unless they aren't bites... but im q sure they are!!!) cause idw anyone else to get this rly rly rly nasty itch..... it's rly horrible...

(im so sad sighs..)

dancing on glass

each time i feel this way
i am reminded that i may
never be able to escape
this outcome.

that no matter
how much time passes
i return to this hurt
and again.

her words always resonated within me but it was only recently when i started reading her BPD diary series that i realised how similar we were, only that ive gotten used to breaking the borderlines and suppressing them feels.

rly hoping that it'll be easier next life, that things that come so effortlessly for others will finally be more natural for us.  that we'll finally learn how to love and appreciate things and people without swallowing them whole and burning them alive.

that we can finally say, it'll be okay, and rly mean it.

Jun. 30th, 2016

im hoping u could save me now
but u break and fold

fear is not so thrilling
if u're the one afraid

one thing always leads to another, and another, until it becomes a whole spiral of mess that's difficult to clean up.
sometimes it's rly tiring carrying this bag around.

u try to hide it, u try to starve it, u try to kill it.
but that's a part of u.
& maybe that's why it hurts so much.

it'll only hurt u, but that's u.
u gotta accept it as part of u.

but it makes me rly tired sometimes.
rly, rly tired.

how nice it would be if we could be emotionless.
Heh this has been a pretty long and tiring week even though I feel like I didn't really do or learn much :(

I guess I always knew it was gonna be unstructured and unguided unlike in the pre-clinical years, but I guess I didn't expect us to be really thrown into the clinical world without any help or guidance :(  NTF is really pretty small and new a hospital, so there aren't many seniors around to help teach us or guide us unlike the other hospitals or CSFP in NUH.  We are mostly left to fumble around and figure our own ways of learning, and it hasn't been exactly very fruitful in my opinion :(  The tutors are too busy with their own cases to teach us and maybe cause there isn't a very strong teaching culture there I'm not sure.  Most of the learning takes place opportunistically, and you have to ask for the opportunities yourself.  Sometimes you are lucky, sometimes you aren't.  I guess it's a good thing we'll be moving to NUH soon (and then we'll have to learn how to adapt again hahaha but it's ok it's cool we can do this heh)

& maybe I'm just too stressed out idk, ppl keep telling me to take a chill pill haha.  But I really dw to tell myself that this is just the 1st week and I've got 7 more weeks to master the skills and knowledge I need for ortho, because with each passing week, if I'm just gonna keep comforting myself with that, I'll choose the easy way out and give myself too much slack.  I wanna chiong the 1st few weeks, and spend the rest of the time putting what I learnt to practice if I can hmm.  And I guess it'll be more stressful as the exam approaches and I rly don't want to compromise on the quality of the process of learning just cause I wanna get things in my head.  I wanna drill them in for good and build up strong fundamentals if I can heh.

But it's really q tough sighs.  And even if we do learn things, everything is in fragments and doesn't quite make sense, maybe until you have finished learning everything.  Not everything is in the textbook nor the seniors' notes, nor even the Internet haha; some things just aren't explained sighs and I really don't like it when I've to hard core memorise stuff :(  && there are so many things to learn and I want them to make sense but they don't hahaha aiyo, the organisation of the notes also not too good but I don't really have the time to make my own notes anymore sighs.  I'm also the kind who needs someone to tell me sth before I can understand it and get it in my head cause I really don't like reading on my own heh.  What a problematic child I am sighs, finding faults with everything hahaha.

Sighs I guess my biggest worry is just that I can't gain the competencies and skills to become the doctor I wanna be in future.  But maybe I'm worrying too much.  We need the exposure which is so opportunistic, and we need to learn independently.  I guess I'm just not too used to clinical life yet and I hope this week has been enough of fumbling around and let's try to do better next week?? (we def can do better man, I'm v sure, maybe I'm just not trying hard enough! I shall be more thick-skinned than I ever am in the upcoming week haha)

For now, my plan is go by compartments, like shoulder first, then hip, then knee etc.  && maybe we draw mindmaps??  I'm gonna take it slow but steady and we are gonna finish this yeah???

I can do this yeah!!! :DDD

(Haha I actly feel slightly better now that I've typed everything out heh)

and of cuz we have some happy pills to keep us going, through the weeks, soooooo we definitely can do it (:



On another note, Lokun sleepover was great (: It was really nice seeing everyone again heh.  Omg ya another point about being in clinicals is that you hardly see anyone around :(((((( it's just u and your cg and maybe another cg at most and that's about it sighs.  I rly miss seeing everyone at school and just waving at familiar ppl makes me happy, but in clinicals u just wave to yourself in the mirror sighs.  But nvm there's BCLS and CTS this week!!! :)

But speaking of clinicals, Steph and I had a HTHT that day in NTF as we walked around and omg we think so alike heh.  We completely understand each other and it was a session of outbursts of "ikr!!! omg sighs" and yea man it rly feels good when someone not only actly really understands how u feel (and doesn't brush u off by thinkin u are too emotional or ridiculous) but also has felt the same way many times.  We both still don't have a solution lol but I'm just rly glad we have each other heh (:
Just finished unwrapping presents and writing messages to everyone heh (: really touched by some of the presents and messages, because some of them really know me so well (':  Tonight is my first night of being a 21 year-old and the last night of being an M2 heh.  Have a few things to talk about so here goes (:


Japan has always been my favourite country and I actly really once considered migrating there in future haha.  But I guess it has always been and will remain just as a thought, cause Sg will always be my home where all my friends and family are. Nevertheless, I never fail to fall in love again each time I visit.  The people are always so sweet and polite, the food is delicious and you can almost never run out of things to eat, the toilets (and the toilet seats are warm!!!!!!) and roads are clean, the weather is cooling even in summer.  And it's a shopping paradise!!!!!!  Our luggages almost burst at their seams even though we brought more bags this time round.

Really thankful for this holiday with my fam and it was really nice spending 9 days with them (: every day was quite tiring and shag cause we woke up at 8am every morning (7am SG time), left the hotel at 9am and came back at around 8pm at night.  But hotel time = relaxing and chill time and I enjoyed that too heh.  My body is still in Japan though (maybe a lil bit of my heart also heh) haha and I keep waking up at 7am these days omg haha, but it's a good thing la huh since I'll have to wake up at 6-7am for clinicals starting from tmrw onwards (thank goodness for NTF hehe).  I really enjoyed the walking, shopping and eating (even though Japan has really too many stairs!!!!) haha, and Japan really give me so, so many warm and bubbly feels somehow.  I especially enjoyed the 2nd last night when we went to onsen and had a delicious Japanese set meal (hehe so glad I managed to convince them to go for onsen in the end cause really, the Japan experience isn't complete without onsen!!) after; it would have been even better if we had actually stayed there after that heh.  Disneysea and Sanrio Puroland were ok only but it was nice taking photos everywhere heh but I think I annoyed my sister and mum a lot cause I was so demanding about the right camera angles hahahaa.  My favourite place is still Harajuku where I bought most of my stuff heh.  I would really have wanted to stay in Japan 5ever if not for the fact that I missed someone a whole lot hehe.

Goodbye Japan, you have been really lovely (':  I wanted to come back to you every year but I'm not sure if I will next year cause I'll prolly go somewhere else for electives heh.  But we'll see (:


 Celebrated my 21st birthday yest at home heh (: It was the first time I celebrated my birthday in Sg in a really long time heh and I guess I'm happy to be home for this birthday this year :) I thought for a really long time before deciding to throw a party, after much pushing and encouragement from WT, ZX and my parents heh, cause I don't really like being in the centre of attention that much and I thought I would rather spend the day with just my closest friends and loved ones.  But I guess I didn't expect it to be that busy :( Hardly had any time to talk to or spend time with anyone, or catch up w my ISLE friends and sec sch friends heh :( but I really, really hope that they enjoyed the party and food and had the chance to catch up with each other (:


How apt it is that M3 is starting tmr just as I turn 21 hahaha.  I'm a little nervous to start this roller coaster ride, not only cause it'll be full of ups and downs, but also cause it'll be so long (13 months long heh!!), and it'll be bound to be really tiring, draining and even stomach-wrenching at some points.  I don't feel ready at this point in time, but I hope I'll take this week to be more ready heh (:

But I'm also excited to start this new journey of clinicals (:  CSFP has given me a taste of what it's like, and I think this is what we had in mind when we signed up for med.  I really hope that more than learning from the patients, we'll be able to help them in some ways or others as our capacity as medical students.