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Nov. 28th, 2016

i have come this far to realise that im the only person who can save myself from my own clutches of sorrow,
that even if im filled w sadness and bitterness, i have to go fighting this battle against myself,
that no one is at fault or should be responsible for this,
that i have the perfect abilities to help myself.

sometimes i think,
why do i always overthink,
why do i have to feed myself w all this sorrow,
why can't things jus be simpler the way they are.

i rly dislike this mess,
all this envy and unpleasant feelings,
all these let-down hopes and disappointments,
all these expectations which i dont know how to manage.

Paediatrics

Hello!! it's Sunday and tmrw marks the start of our last week in Paeds :(

Just thought I would do a quick post/update heh.  Paeds has been nothing less than enjoyable for me so far, and it's undoubtedly my favourite posting so far :) I'm rly gonna miss Paeds as we move on to fam med next.  Paeds is no less, if not more stressful/busy/intense than IM, but it's just somehow much more enjoyable :) Other than the structure and organisation, it's  perhaps the kids who unknowingly bring joy and smiles to our faces during stressful tutorials/days, with their innocence and small genuine actions and behaviour.

Or perhaps we are just more suited to the M3 life since this is our 3rd posting haha (we are slightly more than halfway through M3 omg!!! it doesn't seem that long ago since we ended M2??).

Gotta slog it out for the rest of this week till EOPT on Friday but i can do it!!! jus that the intermittent headache is pretty annoying haha.  Really can't wait for hols and HK!!!!!  I haven't truly rested without guilt since a very long time haha :P

Ok back to my childhood exanthems heh :P
Hello! Today marks the start of our last week in NUH for paeds :( a lil sad cause i'm just getting used to the envt and everything's been q chill and nice so far haha. there are days when things are q intense and i realise that there's so much i needa go learn, but it's not too overwhelming and it seems achievable, unlike in IM where we gave up after a while haha.

This week's specialist clinics week, and i've been looking forward to this part of the posting since day 1 hahaha. hope it goes well! Today's my mini-CEX actly; i gotta get this over and done with before i enjoy the rest of the clinics in the week (: but im q nervous for mini-CEX tbh hahahaha :P rly hope it goes ok!

had some kinda tonsillolith for a few days and it's q uncomfortable cause i can feel it even when im just swallowing water haha. managed to somehow remove it after much difficulty yest (was q happy for that short while hahaha), but now ive new onset pharyngitis :(( it hurts so bad idw open my mouth to talk if possible /:

Will talk more about paeds another day :)
Hello!  Haven't posted in a while so thought i would do some updates :)

Currently having no voice now i think i talked too much HAHAHAHA.  We are starting on paeds tmrw!!!!! (good thing we are startin w lectures now that i have no voice hahaha)  Bade (???) farewell to cgh (for good i hope HAHA) and IM last week but i gotta admit i rly miss fifi (she's rly rly so nice and nurturing!!!! she's one of the reasons why i even looked forward to going for mornin rounds in the last 2 weeks; how many ppl will give u so many opportunities to learn and do procedures, call u when they change venues [i mean most times most ppl are too busy w their work but she actly makes the effort and go the extra mile for us <333]) and rose (she's soooo nice and accomodating, talking to her does cheer up my days :>).

now onto paeds!!!! heard it's much more structured so that's more comforting for a start :) but heard they are v strict too, and i guess it's gonna be an intense posting too and im not sure if im all that ready yet hahaha. ok at least there's the first 2 days to get into the groove again!

im so determined to make this posting count :) feel like im rly not proficient enoug and i can rly make better use of my time heh.  i rly got to be more proactive, think ive been too lazy and passive all this while.  actly q excited to return to the hospital to learn actly haha.  ok 3rd M3 POSTING HERE WE GO WE CAN DO THIS!!!! :)

--

been a lil down and last night i hugged pooh sooooo tightly cause i needed one so bad sighs.  like i was more upset/disappointed w the situation and wished it didn't have to come to that, but it's not sth that i can control.  rly wished that these battles didnt exist but i also wished i was stronger to fight these battles myself :(  rly also wished as usual that i would use my head more than my heart but feelings always insist on getting in the way sighs.

rly so, so thankful for xy tho :)))

i can do this rawr!!!!!!!!!
hello.

not sure if it's the stress that's getting to me, but tonight is a strange night.

i don't know what to say or do of this entire period, cause it feels like i just slipped out of a dream.

how do i begin to describe the feels within me?  they aren't anger nor resentment.  i suppose they are a mix of lethargy, helplessness w a tinge of loneliness and optimism.  or maybe swinging from optimism to pessimism to not feelin anything at all to feelin everything at once has finally taken a toll on me and i now feel nothing but a mild headache.

i feel like i can do so, so, so much more, but i don't have the time, energy or even motivation to do it.  and that saddens and even angers me.  what am i doing?  im trying to convince myself that ive done enough and what's within my limits, but the truth is that it's not enough.  and i can do so much more but im not trying hard enough to fight the lethargy and laziness (which has got the better of me over time as i keep trying to find excuses for myself).

i tell myself, i promise myself that after this, i no longer have excuses or reasons.

i will take a good break, but i will use the time to also do the things i wanna do, set goals for myself and i wanna come back in the 3rd posting, ever stronger and ever ready to fight anything that comes my way.

as for now, jus hang in there for 3 more weeks (:

at the same time, i feel like ive lost myself.  like everything that is familiar to me is slowly slipping away from me.  perhaps that's what it feels like when u start losing yr memories.  and when u wake up one day to find that u have finally remembered the way back, everythin is no longer familiar.

i feel it's been so tiring and tough, but it's not like ive been learning that much mm.  i know we are all fighting our own battles, but i just wish this was an easier one.

to better days ahead, and finally rly looking forward to the end in the hospital that's Too Far Away.

bubble world

3 weeks into IM now and all i can say is that im rly exhausted.

i guess learning so many things at once without any structure or organisation at all is pretty interesting and maybe even fun, but it can be pretty overwhelming.  i mean it's nice to have good challenges and that's what makes life interesting.  but i'm rly thoroughly exhausted.  ive come to a point where i look forward to weekends during weekdays cause i rly wanna take a chill pill and yknow, just maybe relax for a day or sth, yet also look forward to weekdays during weekends cause i wanna be kept busy.

the distance is mainly the part that kills me?  but i think staying in the hospital for prolonged periods of time too.  i'll leave house around 630 and reach home around 830?  haven't got the time or energy to do anythin much.  i set a few goals for myself this week but rly hope i can achieve them, cause for now im just too tired everyday to even think about anythin (which is good and bad haha).  im operating on 70% everyday haha and it just drops to like 20% as the day passes.  but thankful for a trusty and reliable cg partner and train buddy for the past 2 weeks :> sry im always whining and complaining bout everythin to u hahaha, thank u for not asking me to keep quiet tho u need to work on yr empathy hurhur.

finally met up w xinyi last friday and it made me realise how much ive missed her.
& meeting her that day made me jus wanna see her again soon.
she's jus someone i can talk everything to, someone who listens and who pays attention,
someone who may not always understand but always try to empathise.
& it was a rly nice break away from work and all :)
i rly miss her.

sighs, im not rly wishing for this to be over i guess, i mean i quite like it.  im pretty interested in IM i think but i rly gotta brush up on my PE esp my percussion oh my goodness.  the lethargy is the only thing la hur, and i rly prefer to have more energy hahaha.  plus i rly got to learn how to be understanding + keep my patience despite being in this state.  honestly sometimes i rly wanna screw everythin and just give up cause it's rly so tiring yknow, physically, mentally, psychologically etc etc etc.  but it's okk this will train me to be stronger + able to work and try to be my usual controlled self despite being in chronic fatigue hahahahaha.

Aug. 12th, 2016

maybe tonight isn't the best time to post cause im rly exhausted and maybe my feelings are amplified

but i just wanna say

im rly tired and sometimes idk what i want. i jus know it's sometimes so painful inside, even though it isn't supposed to be like this. & i rly hope someone or sth can save me and just stop this entire feeling

maybe it's just this period when i feel esp vulnerable, esp dependent and i rly rly rly wanna just cling onto sth or someone and be reassured constantly, even if i become just too much. just for this period... cause im so tired and i rly wish i had more comfort from a source of reassurance other than myself cause my v optimistic self is rly tired toooo hahahahaha

or maybe im just crazy from the late night call and general lethargy tonight. maybe Tmr i'll stop being so demanding... i should be doing it on my own but yknow... sometimes i rly wish i could ... 😢
Hello!  EOPT is finally overrrrr!!  It was ok, but for 1 or 2 stations I missed out some history and steps which I would have included if I were to do it again.  And for some, they didn't say much so u dk whether u missed out sth or u did everything that's required so there's nothing much to say.  But oh wells, at least it's over :)  So it has been a good past 8 weeks (rly doesn't seem like 8 weeks to me tho!! Time rly passes v fast) and I promised myself to think about my experiences and pen my thoughts after EOPT, so here goes (:

Orthopaedics (NTFGH)

I rmb feeling a lil lost and stressed in the 1st week, cause I felt like there was rly no structure in the learning and u had to decide on yr own what u wanted to learn, how u could learn it etc.  Unlike M1 and M2 where everyone learnt the same things from lectures and you more or less knew what was impt to know and what was good to know, it was diff in M3 cause you wouldn't necessarily see everything you needed to know, depending on your luck.  And initially I felt that NTFGH didn't have much of a teaching culture and the doctors are often too busy to teach us (but actly they rly don't have the obligation to since their job is to see patients and treat them).  And we had nothing on our schedule so we got to decide what we wanted to do everyday; in fact you could just go for the tutorials and miss everything else and no one would know, cause u are entirely responsible for your own learning.  I finally realised in weeks 2 and 3 how I could learn best and make full use of my time.  For e.g., clinics is a must to go for Ortho, and u can rly learn a lot there just from observations.  Occasionally the doctors would teach us and they would definitely answer us if we had any questions.  Going to the wards was a plus minus for me since the inpatient cases were mainly pre-op or post-op cases, but I did take history from different cases e.g. NOF # (neck of femur fracture) or Charcot joint etc.

NTFGH has rly nice facilities, like the big open space area where there were clean and comfortable seats for us to sit and study, countless empty rooms we could use to practise, an easy-to-use patient records system (everything is electronic), countless food options, big and spacious clinics rooms, airy clean and spacious wards (there's rly a lot of space to walk and move around and the envt is rly nice).

I also liked how they have morning meetings for the whole Ortho department everyday, and that was when you got to see everyone and sometimes their discussions can be v interesting.  It felt like a close-knit community, and everyone would split up to go for morning rounds after that.

There were only 2 CGs there doing Ortho, and there were other postings like IM and GS I guess, but in general there were v few of us students at the hospital during the posting.  So somehow the envt seemed less intimidating, like we would dare to walk into the HO room and ask a free HO if he/she was free to hear us present a case or teach us sth haha.  I must say that the PSAs at NTFGH are rly v nice even to us students; they would get stools for us to sit or even water (!!!).

Orthopaedics (NUH)

In general, most of us at NTFGH felt like we were thrown in the deep end of the sea when we went there cause we had to decide what we wanted to do ourselves and all, and navigate around the hospital and figure out the system on our own.  Some liked that cause it would mean more freedom in deciding how u would learn best etc, but others preferred NUH much more cause it is much more familiar to us lurh, and it's a teaching hospital w a well-established teaching culture so the doctors would teach us here and there in the clinics and even during ward rounds.

But for me, I'm just rly glad that I got experience learning at both hospitals.  NUH Ortho didn't rly have morning meetings or rounds which we could join conveniently (I mean it depends on how much effort you put in to find out where they are and what they are doing lurh).  And I guess cause NTFGH was the 1st hospital, I learnt a lot from there cause everything I saw was sth new haha, whereas we would have seen most of the things alr by the time we went to NUH.

I saw a TKR (total knee replacement), went for 1 morning round and mostly went to clinics in NUH.  Clinics and tutorials were scheduled for us everyday (v structured haha), and the learning envt was pretty good.  I especially learnt alot for hand when I was here at NUH, and it was to the point where we decided we didn't need to go for anymore hand clinics and should focus on others instead after the 1st 2 weeks here.

But I must say that the envt is somehow more intimidating here, perhaps cause there are many more students and patients and everyone is so super busy and sometimes it feels like u are taking up space and their precious time.  The PSAs for e.g. treated us pretty much as invisible and didn't respect us students (I guess they don't have a need to, but it would be nice to yknow, have eye contact w us or be a little friendlier when we ask questions T.T  I guess the good experience at NTFGH rly made me feel extra disappointed w this).  One of them even got annoyed at 2 little kids who were in the clinics (they weren't even doing anything much!!  Just talking to themselves and playing around like how kids would do) and rolled her eyes multiple times and made her unhappiness known, so I got pretty shocked at that cause it wasn't v professional.  

Future Plans

I guess Ortho was in general q a honeymoon period cause there were only 2 mini-CEX to be done and the EOPT at the end of 8 weeks.  Content wise also isn't too heavy and can be mostly learnt (at least those u definitely have to know) and seen by the end of 8 weeks.  I guess it was a good thing we started with this cause we were pretty much still in a holiday mood in the first few weeks haha.  It was a pretty relaxing posting in general w a rly good learning pace and I thought M3 actly ain't too bad if the rest could be like this (but unfortunately other postings would be clearly much more fast-paced and intense).  & I guess it was good that we used this posting to get used to how clinicals work, and would be more prepared to decide how we should learn best for future postings.

IM's starting next week (so sad they don't give us any break in between haha but I guess yupp that's just how M3 life is so hectic) at CGH, and I'm rly dreading the distance T.T  But we just gotta accept that that's how it's gonna be for the next 8 weeks, and we must be rotated there eventually ma to experience learning at every public hospital.  So we just gotta make full use of our time heh! (:

:(

they are itchy and i rly wanna peel my skin off :'( i'm such a whiny baby sighs, but omg it's rly so itchy so pls lemme rant here!!! :(( sighs i didn't think it would be so bad (there are like at least 50+ on each foot [yes i rly counted cause i was wondering how many there were to be soooooooo itchy]) but it rly is and it's making me kinda upset/easily irritated today i guess.  the anti-histamines and steroids aren't rly working as i thought they would and they are kinda spreading to my fingers too :(  i always get this weird feeling that there's sth crawling underneath my skin.

my sis showed me this blogpost by this girl who got sandfly bites previously also (i think these are prolly sandfly and not mosquito bites) and she was saying how it took her 6 months for the itch to completely go away and how it took for the scars 1 year to completely disappear.  she also said that it was a real nightmare for her and that it got v depressing after a while (i can totally understand why and i gotta feeling i may just feel the same in a while) and must rly not scratch and all.  but i rly can't stand it :( the meds and cream are running out also cause i keep spamming but it only works for a short while??

even at this point, im intermittently scratching while typing sighs. (I KNOW I SHOULDN'T BE BUT I RLY CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE :((()

doesn't help that im getting stressed about the PEs and how we must work fast enough on our feet to take a super directed and focused history in PE in 7 minutes.  everything's getting on my nerves when they usually won't, and then i feel so bad after :(

im such a crybaby right sighs :(  i should just man up and stop whining about how itchy it is alr (which is what ive been doing to anyone who has taken notice of my rly ugly legs)..  gonna wear gloves tonight in case i cause them to bleed again while sleeping.

anws m3's rly fun and interesting so far (not the exams tho haha) and i do enjoy it v much (: but many things are plus minus and how much u get out of it rly depends on your luck and how brave and daring u are in volunteering yourself for things or asking questions.  most of the time they are too busy to tend to u but if u ask questions, most of them are nice enough to answer u :>  was gonna post about my experiences in both hospitals but i guess i'll do that after eopt (actly i wonder if ppl will avoid me if it continues spreading to my arms or more visible places, im pretty sure ppl would have if they had looked down at my legs).

for now, pls pls pls help me wish that the itch will go away miraculously!!!!! (i rly rly can't stand it anymore omggg) :"((((( and i rly rly rly hope that it's not contagious (i don't think so right??? unless they aren't bites... but im q sure they are!!!) cause idw anyone else to get this rly rly rly nasty itch..... it's rly horrible...

(im so sad sighs..)

dancing on glass

each time i feel this way
i am reminded that i may
never be able to escape
this outcome.

that no matter
how much time passes
i return to this hurt
again
and again.

her words always resonated within me but it was only recently when i started reading her BPD diary series that i realised how similar we were, only that ive gotten used to breaking the borderlines and suppressing them feels.

rly hoping that it'll be easier next life, that things that come so effortlessly for others will finally be more natural for us.  that we'll finally learn how to love and appreciate things and people without swallowing them whole and burning them alive.

that we can finally say, it'll be okay, and rly mean it.